When I was perusing my old journals to look for content — and when I ultimately decided to release them back into the Earth — on Thursday night, I noticed a few things that surprised me about myself when I was younger:
- In my mid-teens, I wouldn’t eat until I showered and prayed, and I was concerned about purity. The morning prayer and “I have to wash up first” emphasis are still there in my life even though my college years were a bit of a rupture in my religious practice. Also, I make my coffee before I shower. Didn’t drink coffee back then.
- After Bush Jr.’s election, when I was deeply concerned about Christian Dominionism — something most people on the Coast refused to believe me about until literally 2016 — I wrote that if paganism were ever made illegal again, I’d pick Buddhism over anything else. It’s horrifying to see how stressed I was given how much worse things are now, but it’s also surprisingly sensible that I had a plan for dealing with the anxiety and uncertainty about some of the pro-Christianity legislation being passed in Missouri at that time.
- I was way more into the Muse (in all honesty, Mnemosyne) than Apollôn and other gods. In addition, I had an entire headcanon UPG system built around the Goddess Iris. Weird, but interesting.
These are just the things I’m sharing from all of that. There’s also a lot of pain in the journals — anger at the way my parents constantly fought, distraught alienation from school bullying, and the like — that I have compassion for. Because I discussed religious thoughts so much in my teens, I did a ritual last night to formally let go of the journals, complete with offerings, apart from the dozen or so pages that I ripped out to keep. The ones I’ve kept contain some memories of Circle celebrations, poetry, &c.
I’ve felt like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders all of today — very relaxed, very calm. Of course, today was also the day of the ☽calendar I do a purification ritual, and I always feel upbeat after those.
Onward and upward.